Saturday, June 20th, 2009
I still don’t have a sponsor, and I’m not sure where to start with Step 4. What I’m starting to see is that all the lies start to stack up like bricks, and life begins to feel heavy. Doing this moral inventory will be like removing bricks one by one from the bag I’ve been dragging behind me all these years.
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
Why did I try so hard all the time to convince myself that I was living the life I wanted? Is happiness so elusive that we’ll do anything to get it? And in the process of doing anything to get it, we only get a mirage of happiness, an illusion of happiness, but since our lives are so artificial, so much self-made fantasy, we seem to be just fine with the mirage. It never ends. And one day, we simply can’t tell the difference anymore. One day, we don’t want to know the difference anymore.
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
What I learned at AA is that alcoholics will substitute other things for alcohol. In some way, I think I have substituted my relationships for alcohol. I couldn’t manage my drinking, and I couldn’t manage my relationships any better, but I didn’t know it. I knew after my second AA meeting that I had more than a drinking problem.
Saturday, June 6th, 2009
I lack honesty, honesty with myself. It will block me from reaching God. I have to be honest. I’m not sure I know what it feels like. I am so use to pretending.
Friday, June 5th, 2009
The Big Book says, “What is his trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? (p. 61) That describes me. I’ve always been self-centered and unable to feel empathy for almost anyone. I have never wanted to let my guard down. I’m afraid I will lose the people who love me. I am afraid they will know how imperfect I am. I think it’s ironic in galactic proportions that I wrote, “I am afraid they will know how imperfect I am.”
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
The thing that’s sticking with me right now is the honesty thing. I’m afraid of being honest. I’m afraid of being me. What if nobody loves me? What if I’m not a good person? I’m making a wreck of my life. I don’t know what I want, but I know I don’t want the life I’m creating now. I’m acting irresponsible. I feel out of control. I’m hoping that I learn something about myself going to these AA meetings.
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
What I learned tonight is that being honest with yourself is the first step to recovery. And some people aren’t capable of being honest, even with themselves. Sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I feel that I don’t know who I am. That scares me. I’ve pretended so long. Put on so many masks for so long. Why am I so afraid of being vulnerable?
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