What I learned at AA is that alcoholics will substitute other things for alcohol. In some way, I think I have substituted my relationships for alcohol. I couldn’t manage my drinking, and I couldn’t manage my relationships any better, but I didn’t know it. I knew after my second AA meeting that I had more than a drinking problem.

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The Big Book says, “What is his trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? (p. 61) That describes me. I’ve always been self-centered and unable to feel empathy for almost anyone. I have never wanted to let my guard down. I’m afraid I will lose the people who love me. I am afraid they will know how imperfect I am. I think it’s ironic in galactic proportions that I wrote, “I am afraid they will know how imperfect I am.”

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The thing that’s sticking with me right now is the honesty thing. I’m afraid of being honest. I’m afraid of being me. What if nobody loves me? What if I’m not a good person? I’m making a wreck of my life. I don’t know what I want, but I know I don’t want the life I’m creating now. I’m acting irresponsible. I feel out of control. I’m hoping that I learn something about myself going to these AA meetings.

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What I learned tonight is that being honest with yourself is the first step to recovery. And some people aren’t capable of being honest, even with themselves. Sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I feel that I don’t know who I am. That scares me. I’ve pretended so long. Put on so many masks for so long. Why am I so afraid of being vulnerable?

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